Customer: |
Hello. I would like to buy a fish licence, please. |
Shopkeeper: |
A what? |
Customer: |
A licence for my pet fish, Eric. |
Shopkeeper: |
How did you know my name was Eric? |
Customer: |
No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric--Eric the Fish. He's an halibut. |
Shopkeeper: |
What? |
Customer: |
He is...an...halibut. |
Shopkeeper: |
You've got a pet halibut? |
Customer: |
Yes. I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others; they were
all too flat. |
Shopkeeper: |
You must be a looney. |
Customer: |
I am not a looney! Why should
I be attired with the epithet looney, merely because I have a pet halibut?
I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabardo has a pet prawn called 'Simon'--you
wouldn't call him a looney...furthermore, Dawn Pailthorpe,
the lady show-jumper, had a clam called 'Stafford,' after the late Chancellor...Allan
Bullock has two pikes, both called 'Chris'...and Marcel Proust had an haddock.
So, if you're calling the author of A La Recherche du Temps Perdu
a looney, I shall have to ask you to step outside! |
Shopkeeper: |
All right, all right, all right. A licence. |
Customer: |
Yes. |
Shopkeeper: |
For a fish. |
Customer: |
Yes. |
Shopkeeper: |
You are a looney. |
Customer: |
Look, it's a bleeding pet, innit? I've got a licence for me pet dog
Eric, and I've got a licence for me pet cat Eric... |
Shopkeeper: |
You don't need a licence for your cat! |
Customer: |
I bleeding well do, and I got one. He can't be called 'Eric' without
it... |
Shopkeeper: |
There's no such thing as a bloody cat licence. |
Customer: |
Yes, there is! |
Shopkeeper: |
Isn't! |
Customer: |
Is! |
Shopkeeper: |
Isn't! |
Customer: |
I bleeding got one...look! What's that, then? |
Shopkeeper: |
This is a dog licence with the word 'dog' crossed out, and 'cat' written
in, in crayon. |
Customer: |
The man didn't have the right form. |
Shopkeeper: |
What man? |
Customer: |
The man from the Cat Detector van. |
Shopkeeper: |
The Looney Detector van, you mean. |
Customer: |
Look--it's people like you what cause unrest. |
Shopkeeper: |
What Cat Detector van? |
Customer: |
The Cat Detector van from the Ministry of Housinge. |
Shopkeeper: |
Housinge? |
Customer: |
It was spelt like that on the van. (I'm very observant!) I never seen
so many bleeding aerials. The man said that their equipment could pinpoint
a purr at four hundred yards! And Eric, being such a happy cat, was a piece
of cake. |
Shopkeeper: |
How much did you pay for this? |
Customer: |
Sixty quid...and eight for the fruit bat. |
Shopkeeper: |
What fruit bat? |
Customer: |
Eric the Fruit Bat. |
Shopkeeper: |
Are all your pets called 'Eric'? |
Customer: |
There's nothing so odd about that...Kemal Ataturk had an entire menagerie
called 'Abdul.' |
Shopkeeper: |
No, he didn't. |
Customer: |
Did! |
Shopkeeper: |
Didn't! |
Customer: |
Did, did, did, did, did, and did! |
Shopkeeper: |
Oh, all right. |
Customer: |
Spoken like a gentleman, sir! Now, are you going to give me a fish
licence? |
Shopkeeper: |
I promise you that there is no such thing--you don't need one. |
Customer: |
In that case, give me a bee licence. |
Shopkeeper: |
A licence for your pet bee? |
Customer: |
Yes. |
Shopkeeper: |
Called 'Eric'? Eric the Bee? |
Customer: |
No. |
Shopkeeper: |
No? |
Customer: |
No, Eric the Half-Bee. He had an accident. |
Shopkeeper: |
You're off your chump! |
Customer: |
Look, if you intend by that utilisation of an obscure colloquialism
to imply that my sanity is not up to scratch--or indeed to deny the semi-existence
of my little chum Eric the Half-Bee--I shall have to ask you to listen
to this...Take it away, Eric the Orchestra Leader! |