COMEDY BITS

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KENNETH STARR's GREATEST HITS
 
ANNCR:     Just when you thought his only goal was to "drum" Bill Clinton out of the Oval
                   Office...Kenneth Starr picks up sticks and Turns The Beatle Around! It's Kenneth
                   Starr and his All-Star Band's Back Off, Bubba-loo!
 
CLIP:           ("An Octopus's Garden" chorus)
                    One thing fills me
                    With so much glee
                    That's the prosecutor's part in
                    This charade...
 
ANNCR:      As long as Bubba keeps singin' "The No-No Song," for Ken and his crew, it just
                     "Don't Come Easy"!
 
CLIP:            ("Photograph" hook)
                     Every time I see your face
                      I ask, "How much more disgrace
                     Will get you to go?"
 
ANNCR:       But it's Ken Starr's only chance to grab the brass Ring-o, and he's not letting go!
 
CLIP:             ("You're Sixteen" verse)
                      You came on to a teen
                      Bitch that I'm mean
                      When I say it's a crime
                      You're obscene...you screwed 'em all...
                      You'll do time!
 
ANNCR:        It's the hits that just won't quit! Kenneth Starr and his All-Star Band's Back Off,
                       Bubba-loo! On Crapitol Records and Tapes.
 

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HERE ARE THE TOP FIVE SIGNS YOU DON'T NEED MICROSOFT WINDOWS 98:

#5--SPREADSHEET is what you do just before getting into bed.
#4--BILL GATES is something your accountant does once a month.
#3--You think MOUSE PAD refers to Disney World.
#2--You're offended by the notion that you have a FLOPPY...
 
AND THE #1 SIGN YOU DON'T NEED WINDOWS 98:
 
You ask if it comes with a squeegee!

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HALLO-WEENIES
 
KID:            Hey, Mom--what's for dinner? I'm kinda full!
 
ANNCR:     Has your little darling spent all afternoon "goblin" up his Halloween candy, and now
                    doesn't have any room for supper?
 
MOM:        What's a mom to do?
 
ANNCR:     Hallo-weenies, that's what! Hallo-weenies are just like regular hot dogs, except
                    there's nothing in the middle! But your kids get all the nourishment they need, because
                    all the nutrients are on the outside! And they cook up plump and juicy right in your
                    microwave faster than you can say "boo!"
 
                     So get your buns over to your local supermarket and pick up some Hallo-weenies
                     today! Hallo-weenies! Frank-ly, they're ghoul-icious!
 

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